yours, a guilty disciple

02 April, 2025

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

> exclusive photos of cats. you’re welcome.

> i went hiking. the fresh air knocked thought bugs out of my head. they crawled out through my ears and have been itching ever since. i took a bunch of pictures to send to my parents because they were worried about me.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

> from the center of my ceiling fan hangs an origami manta ray folded from black paper. i creased every corner in slow motion my first week in Canada. i had just lost my dog and nothing i shipped out from home had arrived yet. i was wearing the same clothes for days, sleeves and pant knees coated in snot and tears. instead of anything else i could have been doing, all i could manage was an army of multicolored manta rays. only one hangs as decoration, the rest are tucked away in drawers. when i am leaving the house i will occasionally stuff one into my pocket so that i may hide it somewhere during my outing. i make these when i am too damn sad to do anything else. my house overflows with paper sea creatures.

> but it turns out life is really not that bad and most of the time i am over reacting. i blow up so easily over small infractions, short fuse, low tolerance for trauma. it doesn’t matter, moping and hating ourselves does nothing to fix the problems. what did help though was walking for hours on a wooded mountain. once i’m out there i realize how far away all those unnecessary worries are. what matters is right in front of me. its a waste of energy to fixate on an impossible present. put an end to obsessing over what life can be, leave room for what happens in front of me.

> i began a chat with two lovely people who each had a goal they needed to be held accountable to. we message once a day to record what we have done to take a step forwards. it seems such a simple addition to my day but it is the axis all my hours spin on, a report that reminds me i have friends who are working just as hard as me and who depend on my upward movement. often its the thought of being able to tell them of my success that motivates me to achieve those successes.

> i crave routine. probably because if i had any then going to parties wouldn’t make me feel so guilty. if i could accomplish things often enough then maybe i could feel liberated instead of trapping myself inside thought loops; agonizing over what else i could be doing to fill my time instead of enjoying being present with my friends. i am embarrassed to say at times i have felt i’d rather be away buried in work than spending time with the people i love. worse still, i feel i do not yet have the discipline to achieve success with the routine i imagine for myself. that’s what the group chat is for i guess.

> all this talk of routine brings to mind some great writers who had pre writing rituals. Hemingway woke as the sun rose and would write until he felt like stopping. Warren has a writing desk that she furnishes with her favorite books, candles, and various ornaments and trinkets. i cannot put pen to paper without a foundation of sound, a perfectly curated playlist for every deep feeling i may need to conjure up. i have a habit of never sticking to one project, dopamine and intuition dragging me away. i fear my inability to see things through. maybe that’s why i am trying so hard to establish routine. maybe i think that it could save me.



> don’t worry though. parts of me still know that in truth the only thing capable of saving me is myself. that’s what the group chat is for.

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

.╱|、
(` -7
|、⁻〵
じしˍ,)ノ... goodbye!